No, I am not going to put the words 'trans' and 'parent' together like Amazon did, even though being invisibilized is a common experience for many of us. I do not want to get into the controversies around that series either, at least not in this edition.
I have written or spoken before about some of my experiences as a parent, e.g. in this interview or this podcast, and most of all in the last few months through our Instagram page. But beyond my own story, there are stories of others too who are in similar situations... of being a parent and being trans, and that too in our glorified 'Indian culture'. Most of the time, when we open up about our experiences, we speak about our friends and allies, about hate and bigotry in society in general, about our relationship with our children, or the coparenting relationship in families like ours... but there are others too in our families, right?
Many of our families – immediate and extended families – don't just have us and our children, but also other relations of different kinds, e.g. our own parents or siblings or cousins or uncles or aunts or even our grandparents. We say that it takes a village to raise a child, and yes, some of us are really fortunate if our children have many willing caregivers. But... what happens if this 'village' cares a lot about your child, but not about you?
In the following paragraphs, except for one story which has been fully in the public domain for over two decades, I am not going to identify the people whose real stories these are.
When you are not able to see your own children for most of their childhood...
Lynn Conway is an American computer scientist and trans activist. She was in the news last year, when IBM apologized in the year 2020 for firing her back in 1968 on learning of her gender transition. Details of her career at IBM and after being fired and her legendary contributions to her field can be found easily online. But for me, the most moving part of her story was the forced estrangement from her own children. Her full story, published more than 20 years ago, vividly narrates the last time she saw her children as toddlers, before being forced away from them for 14 years.
Reading her full story when my own child was barely 1.5 years old, was so heartbreaking and shook me up so much that I tried to force myself back into the closet. A few months of halfhearted vacillation followed, but I could never really bring myself to stop or reverse my transition or stop being my true self.
Thankfully, we now live in a time where, at least in some parts of the world, parents can not be forcibly estranged from their little children only for being trans, and can even live openly as their true selves while also being parents. I know very well that in many parts of the world, this is still not a legal and social reality. In many parts, parents can indeed be forced away from their children for being trans. Even where some legal rights exist, social biases and individual constraints can still force many parents out of their children's lives, just because they are trans. And in almost every part of the world, parents can be forced away from their children for many other reasons too.
But... even when you are not forced away from your children, even when you can be in your own children's life and also be your true self, do the problems end there?
Why do you have to be so open about it?
We have all seen and heard many examples of womanhood and motherhood being glorified and put on a pedestal, and also being degraded and subjugated by those very same people. In fact, glorification and degradation can often be part of the same package. So... what happens when someone who is being forced into that role, decides to break out of it and live as his true self? If he decides that having given birth to his kids and having singlehandedly managed childcare for years, he can still be a man and their father?
Even if the response from others isn't physically violent, even if he is not disowned by the family, even if there is some access to resources and so-called acceptance, families can be notoriously stubborn in trying to brush everything under the carpet and maintain the status quo.
'Why do you have to be so open about it?' 'No we can't say that the kids have two fathers.' 'Maybe you can say you are their uncle?' 'You still need to do all the housework.' 'No, the children shouldn't help you. They don't need to learn any chores (even if they were learning earlier, and are still willing). They need to focus on their studies instead.'
And if you happen to look too young for your age, as many transmasculine people often do, then having children with you leads to neighbours and acquaintances and even strangers who don't know your history getting suspicious of you. In short, one gets the worst of both sides of the gender binary.
The same applies in the other direction too. A trans woman who decides to break out of the stereotypes and expectations of masculinity, and just wants to be called 'mother' by her own children even if she didn't give birth to them, might end up struggling for years to fulfil this little wish. Once again, even if the response isn't physically violent, even if the coparent is an ally and the rest of the family claims to accept, the stream of micro-aggressions never seems to end.
'Maybe you can keep dressing up as a guy for the children's sake?' 'Why are your ankles visible in those pants?' 'Can't you wear something to hide your breasts?' 'Do you think being a woman is only about dressing this way?' 'No, we can't say that the children have two mothers.' 'Maybe you can say you are their aunt?' 'Who will protect and provide for the family now?'
And once again, even as you face all this sexist nonsense and body shaming and worse, public debates about your identity often end up painting you as a predator. Once again, it's the worst of both sides.
Have you seen Mr. India?
This one is not a question asked by others to trans folks, but a question I am asking you as a reader. If you have seen the movie or heard its basic plot, you know it's about a young man who discovers a gadget which makes him invisible.
Trans people, and especially parents who happen to be trans, do not need a gadget to become invisible. Because our families are often experts at making us invisible. Whether or not a trans adult is accepted by their family, or if there is acceptance but only superficial, their child is still usually loved and valued and doted upon. Children are seen as blank slates on which the whole transphobic family can project themselves and assume that cis-heteronormative biases can still be inculcated in them, despite their parent being trans, and the child's love for the parent. It's not even seen as a bias of course, because it's all seen as the default, the 'normal'. Violence and bigotry need not be deliberate and intentional, when the status quo of being a 'good' and 'respectable' family is in itself so violent to anyone who does not conform.
So... if a child in this situation is being doted upon, does that mean that their parents are being acknowledged too? Especially the parent who is trans? No. Because you have been made invisible. It's as if they are saying:
'we will see right through you, and we will pretend as if you don't exist. Or we will just nod our heads or say a 'hello', but never ever use the right terms for you or call you by your chosen name, even as we call everyone else around the room what they want. If misgendering and deadnaming is now frowned upon, we can stop using the wrong terms but will never ever use the right terms for you.'
And if the children happen to be old enough to be vocal allies to their parent(s), then all this 'love' and 'doting' disappears anyway.
'Oh, and why are you being so sensitive about it?'
I am your child's father / mother
Does anyone know of cases where someone goes up to a 'normative' family – one with a father and a mother, both cisgender and heterosexual and married – and says to them that 'I am your child's mother' or 'I am your child's father?'
No, we are not talking polyamory here. We are not talking of cases of cheating either, or cases where the question of who is the parent is disputed. We are simply talking of cases where well-meaning family members, seeing that now your family has two moms (and therefore lacking a father) or two dads (and therefore lacking a mother), insert themselves into the discussion and say 'I am your child's father' or 'I am your child's mother.'
Not 'like a father' or 'like a mother', but just 'am'. Anyway the position is vacant, right?
Mumma can still teach the kid to drive a car when they grow up. Mumma can still scare away any strangers who may seem scary or threatening. Mumma can still do everything that the non-gestational parents in other families usually do, and she can also do what other moms do. Appa can still take care of the kids all the time and still pursue his career. He can manage the house and kids and his job singlehandedly. He can also do everything that either parent does in any other family.
But no:
'a child needs a mother and a father', 'whose children are they?', 'where is their mother?', 'where is their father?', or to the kids, 'please don't tell others that you have two moms (or two dads)', just...
‘Just... be quiet. Shut up. Go away and hide in silence, in that closet where you spent years. Just keep pretending. Just be happy with the kid addressing you correctly behind closed doors (if at all even that much is allowed), but don't expect anyone else to acknowledge you.’
‘Oh, and you are not invited to this family gathering we are having next week, because we don’t want to make everyone feel awkward out there. But maybe you can send your child?’
P.S.
Of course, not all Indian families are as toxic as this, just like #NotAllMen are…
I am really grateful to everyone in my life who is a friend and an ally. I hope you are or will be allies even when all these situations are faced by someone very very close to you, in your own family.
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