Last week, I wrote about what it means to be a parent when you are trans, and focused mainly on interactions with other adults. This time, the focus is on kids, not just those kids (like mine) whose parents happen to be trans, but any kids who happen to come into contact with queer or trans people.
Many well-meaning allies, even if they are completely accepting and supportive of queer and trans people, often wonder how one can explain all these new identities and labels to kids. Not just because they might come across any queer or trans people, but just in case a kid happens to be struggling with their own identity.
It is heartening to see more and more allies willing to be open about these questions. After all, even as acceptance of queer and trans people has increased around the world, 'how will this affect our kids' continues to be a common dog-whistle used by anti-queer and anti-trans propagandists. It is the reason why some well-known platforms for mothers have turned into a vehicle for anti-trans hatred. Even among so-called 'liberals', some think it is ok to 'joke' about how all the new rules around pronouns will confuse kids (e.g. the recent dumpster fire by Vir Das, which had other much worse 'jokes' too). In such a scenario, it is wonderful to see every new ally and especially a parent who is eager to do their bit to make the world a little more accepting for our next generation.
So... do children get confused by queer and trans persons?
The short answer is... no.
That's it. That's the answer. I don't think anything more should be needed.
But I know that we still live in a world where a more detailed answer is useful, because a lot of well-meaning folks are often left genuinely confused by anti-queer and anti-trans propaganda.
I have always maintained that children are open-minded and accepting by default, and it is we adults who impose our biases on them. Not just biases related to gender and sexuality, but also related to religion, caste, language, race, nationality, disability or indeed any aspect of our identities. If the adults around a child are prone to flaunting their biases on any of these aspects, children will pick them up too, as we saw firsthand in a recent incident. If your child has already begun to show any of these biases, it is probably time to examine your own biases, and of those around them.
Even in cases where one does not have any overt biases, implicit assumptions still shape our thinking, and that of our children. For example, the implicit assumption in most stories about families, is that a family consists of a mother and a father and their children. Even though our child knows that our family consists of three mothers, and knows of other examples of same-sex parents, we still see that a vast majority of the media our kid consumes is heteronormative. It is these heavily skewed representations which are both a cause and effect of our biases, and which shift the default in a child's mind.
Though our child still sees many more heteronormative families all around, compared to families like ours, we are glad that she knows that we exist. And so do other kids of her age who interact with us. Even if the numbers are skewed, the existence of even a few non-normative examples like ours can show kids that 'it is ok', rather than making them believe that it is 'not ok' or 'unnatural' or a 'crime' or a 'sin'. And that can make a huge difference as they grow up.
But... how do we talk to children about sex?
At what age do you think kids begin to fully understand sex and sexual interactions and about the reproductive system? Whatever your answer to this question is, do you think that for many years before that, they know of families that consist of a mother and a father? Do they see or hear of babies being inside their mothers' tummies, and then being born? Do they see or hear of stories – everything from modern films to old fairy tales – which talk about a man and a woman in love? About a prince and a princess? About a king and queen? About similar families in other species, e.g. The Lion King? Do small children need to fully understand sex to make sense of these stories? No? Then why do we think they need to understand sex to be able to accept that some people can be queer or trans?
Do you think queer people flaunt their sexuality? Do you believe that trans people are too fixated on their gender identity? If you are a heterosexual person, do you ever mention your spouse or partner or kids in casual conversation? Especially using gendered terms like wife or husband or girlfriend or boyfriend or son or daughter? Do you have a photo of them at your desk in office? Do you use gendered pronouns for them or for yourself, he/him or she/her as the case may be? Would you be ok if someone were to refer to you or a loved one as 'it'? Or using the wrong pronouns for any of you? And... are any of these conversations about sex?
The same standards of age-appropriate conversations that apply to children while talking about anything else, can be applied while talking about queer and trans people too. Some families have a mother and a father. Some have two or more mothers. Some have two or more fathers. Some have only a mother, or only a father. Some only have grandparents, or uncles and aunts, or siblings or friends or foster parents. Sometimes, someone you thought was a boy, might be a girl. Someone you thought was a girl, might be a boy. And some people are neither a boy nor a girl. Kids do understand words like person, parent, sibling, child, cousin, grandparent, grandchild, spouse, partner, friend, teacher, boss, etc. None of these terms are gendered.
Even while talking of reproduction, kids begin to understand that plants grow out of seeds, baby birds come out of eggs, baby animals and baby humans come out of a parent's tummy, long before they can understand more details. Sure, they have questions about how babies get there in the first place. And they may come up with the most bizarre theories in the absence of more information. But just like kids can understand all these things, they can understand queer and trans identities. They may not be able to understand anti-queer and anti-trans attitudes, though, like most of us can't.
How do kids react when they come to know of any non-normative example?
Kid hears of a queer or trans example for the first time, and says 'ok, can I go and play now?'
This is not a joke which implies that the kid is too daunted or scared or worried or tired or confused. It is a reality which shows that for children, it's no big deal. We make it a big deal for ourselves because we need to unlearn a lot of misinformation before we learn what's correct. For kids who do not have preconceived notions like us, it doesn't matter.
Honestly, it can matter to kids in some cases. If a kid is old enough to have imbibed some assumptions and notions and biases from the adults around, then their reactions can be similar to the adults around them. But even in those cases, kids are often the first ones to come around, to understand and accept and empathize.
We often talk a lot about children's innocence, about our own 'inner child', about letting children be. A lot of anti-queer and anti-trans propagandists tend to use the innocence of children as an excuse, arguing that their minds can be influenced by queer or trans 'agendas' or 'ideologies', and that they can be misled or brainwashed or converted.
And yet, an overwhelming majority of kids around the world continue to be brainwashed and indoctrinated into heteronormative biases. Thousands or maybe millions of queer kids continue to face 'conversion therapy', and misled into believing that they are sinners or that there is something wrong with them.
Maybe it's time to actually put the innocence of children at the centre, and let them be who they want. Whether that is any gender identity or sexual orientation, or just being kind and empathetic allies to others around them.
Cis-het people, please stop confusing your kids!
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Do children get confused by queer and trans people?
This is such an important article. My kids are teenagers, and I can certainly tell you one thing. If you ensure that biases do not creep into your conversations when the are young, in a couple of years, you will end up learning from them. I know I did.